Dr. John Gottman has identified the four communication styles that are the most difficult in relationships: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. According to Gottman, out of these four, disdain is the best indicator of a failing relationship. His argument was based on a study that included 40,000 couples.
What is Contempt?
More than just criticism or bad speech is contempt. It occurs when one spouse makes claims about their superior intelligence, moral character, or general humanity. The receiving partner has feelings of unworthiness and unlove.
The Destructive Power of Contempt
Interrupting a partner is disrespectful, but when it conveys a dismissive message that their thoughts are uninteresting or unimportant, it transforms into contempt. Statements like “He’s not worth listening to. He couldn’t tell a story to save his life”exemplify this destructive behavior.
When contempt becomes a pervasive pattern in a relationship, it jeopardizes even the strongest bonds, including marriages.
Partners Turned Opponents
Contempt erodes the sense of mutual support and teamwork in companionship. Instead of facing problems together, partners view each other as adversaries. The fear of being attacked or undermined constantly looms, driving a wedge between them.
Although standing up for oneself is typically healthy, when it becomes a means to elevate oneself by tearing down the partner, it damages the relationship. Moreover, contempt not only harms companionship but also poses a threat to our overall well-being.
Our survival depends on human connection, and contempt severs those vital ties. Research has linked the use of contempt in communication to higher rates of diseases, including cancer, heart disease, and even common ailments like colds or the flu.
How can we eliminate contempt in our relationships?
Here are a few strategies:
Identify and share negative feelings: It’s tempting to vent our unpleasant emotions on others when we are unable to name or discuss them. Instead of resorting to contemptuous communication, try expressing your feelings using “I”statements. For example, say, “I feel annoyed and sad because I was looking forward to spending time together.”Add a request to the conversation: “I’d like to avoid this happening in the future by talking about it first before changing plans.”
Finally, invite your partner to the conversation: “Do you think we can do that?”By expressing your emotions and needs in a respectful manner, you foster healthier communication.
Create a culture of appreciation: Expressing appreciation helps us notice more of our partner’s positive qualities rather than focusing on the negatives. Aim for a magic ratio of at least five positive statements or feelings to one negative one.
Track your communication patterns over a week and observe how often you engage in negative interactions versus positive ones. Next week, intentionally communicate with your partner utilizing the magic ratio. Notice if you feel a difference in the overall tone and connection in your relationship.
Moreover, try making a list of 20 things you love about each other and read them out loud. Challenge yourselves to add to the list over time.
Improving communication in relationships takes effort and practice. By eliminating contemptuous behavior and fostering open, respectful dialogue, we can create healthier, stronger connections with our partners.
Remember, it’s not just about avoiding cheating or other obvious companionship threats. Poor communication, particularly contempt, can be the silent killer of relationships. Let’s prioritize building a solid foundation of mutual respect and understanding to nurture lasting love and deeper connection.
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